I know that I’ve used this quote already back in the “MASHisms #1” piece last year.  However, I think that the quote is appropriate for what I wish to discuss. By the time that you’ve finished reading this, I’m sure that you’ll agree that it will do down in the anals of Boomerocity history as one of the more meaningful and prolific pieces posted on this site.

Who’s that laughing?

I recently underwent THAT “procedure” all men are supposed to have when they turn the ripe young age of 50.  For the less modest of you, that would be a colonoscopy. Next to getting AARP applications in the male, this is one of the first steps into senior citizenship.  I don’t like it but it is what it is.

I’ll be the first to admit a few things: a) among the dummies that I am, I’m especially a medical dummy.  I just don’t get anything medical; 2) I was nervous.  Not scared, just nervous.  Because of being the aforementioned dummy, I was anxious of this procedure that I didn’t understand; III) I was darn glad that I had the procedure done.

As a medical dummy, I have to reduce complex medical data into some form of language that even I can understand.  So, when the “procedure” was on my radar, I needed numbers that I could understand.  So, a little research told me that colonoscopies were for the purpose of detecting colorectal cancer. 

Okay, while this sounded like a royal pain in the butt, I needed more information.  The Center for Disease Control reports that, in 2005 (most recent data available), over 72,000 men and over 69,000 women were diagnosed with colorectal cancer.

As if that wasn’t enough for me to pucker up, the CDC threw some more cold water in my face.  They reported that almost 27,000 men and over 26,000 women died from this horrible disease in 2005.

So, having been sold on the necessity of the procedure, I had to deal with my anxiety of undergoing the procedure.  Why was I nervous?  Well, for a couple of reasons.

First, I thought that I would have to be subjected to anesthesia.  There’s something about not being in “control” while under the medical influence that was unappealing to me.  However, research told me that I would be put to sleep, not put under anesthesia. 

So far, so good.  I can live with that despite the fact that is exactly how Michael Jackson moonwalked out of this life.

There was another reason that made me nervous.  How can I put this delicately?  I just didn’t like the idea of being “violated”, if you know what I mean.  Well, that notion was quickly set aside as I learned that the scopes used are very small minimally intrusive. 

For my fellow Troglodytes, that means that you don’t have to worry about feeling “awkward” after the procedure.

As I said, I was darn glad that I had the procedure as it eliminated any doubt as to whether or not I showed any signs of cancer.  The doctor gave me a clean bill of health!  However, if there were polyps, the good doctor would have removed them for biopsy and headed off the colon cancer bandit at “the pass”, so to speak.

So, guys, you say you haven’t heard enough reasons to have a colonoscopy? Okay, I’m going to give you Randy’s Top Ten Reasons to have it done:

• You get to have a doctor’s excuse to miss work
• You get to sleep through an important event without getting poked in the ribs by your wife
• You can flirt with the nurses and blame it on the drugs
• Eavesdropping in on the conversations going on in waiting/staging area will give you some great joke material
• Aftewards, in recovery, “cutting the cheese” is not only permissible but encouraged (see previous point).  You can chuckle to yourself as the recovery room sounds like an orchestra horn section limbering up before the conductor taps that little wand thingy against the music stand.
• Your life may depend on it

In all seriousness, guys, if you’re at least fifty years of age, you need to have this done – especially if colorectal cancer runs in your family.  Should they detect cancer, it’s easily treatable, vastly increasing the odds for a long and happy life.

Besides, I want to see you around for a long, long time.  I mean that from the heart of my bottom.